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Focusing on Mistakes
It's easy to look at a piece of homework and ignore the thoughtful
ideas and amount of effort a child put into it--noticing instead the
three misspelled words. Often the first thing we do is point out the
errors. If we're not also careful to comment on the things that were
done well, a child soon comes to think she does more wrong than right.
Such discouragement leads to more mistakes, which produce more criticism
from the parent, and so on. Children need to be corrected when they
make mistakes; correction helps them know what to do differently next
time. But they probably need to hear four to five times as much
about what they do right to balance the effect our criticism may
have on their courage and self-esteem.
Personality Attacks and Perfectionism
When we call our children names, such as "lazy," "careless,"
or "stupid," we're attacking their self-confidence and courage
at their core. Not only that: such tactics usually backfire. After
all, if you tell a child he's lazy, then what should you expect in
the future but lazy behavior? Instead, focus your comments on the
problem behavior. Don't say "Why are you so lazy?"; say
instead, "You haven't done your homework."
A more subtle form of personality attack is perfectionism. This is
the tendency always to require more from the child than she's giving.
The message of perfectionism is that no matter how well you do, you
should have done better. When children come to believe that they are
never quite good enough, they lose motivation: "I never did it
well enough anyway, so why try?" Even when these children seem
to keep trying, they never feel secure in their achievements. They
may get all As, but rather than enjoy the accomplishment, they're
already worrying about the next challenge to their perfection. Such
perfectionist thinking has been linked to eating disorders and depression
in adolescents.
Negative Expectations
In a classic psychology experiment, teachers were told that half
the students in their classes had tested high on a measure predicting
academic success, and the other half had tested low. In fact, the
students were randomly assigned to the two groups, regardless of academic
abilities. At the end of the semester, guess which group had the better
grades? The group the teachers thought would do better actually did
do better. Conversely, the teachers' negative expectations for the
other group was a significant factor in the group's poor showing.
Negative expectations from teachers and parents discourage children
from trying.
Our children can sense when we expect the worst from them, even if
we don't use the words. If you yourself believe your child is hopeless
in math, you can say, "I know you can do this," but
your tone of voice will give a different message. Or perhaps you wait
only a few seconds for your child to answer a question and then hurriedly
give him the answer. You and your child may not even be consciously
aware of this difference, but the message is received: "You don't
think I can get it."
Overprotection
When we step in and do for children what they could eventually do
for themselves, we send the message that "you can't handle it."
Children must be free to overcome their frustrations, solve their
own problems, and accept the consequences of their choices if they
are to develop the stamina required to succeed in school and in the
community. The overprotected child easily gives up when things are
difficult. She's quick to shout, "It's not fair" at the
slightest transgression. She looks for someone else to solve her problems,
and lives with many unrealistic fears that hamper her growth.
Think of the problems such attitudes cause in the classroom, where
teachers cope with 25 or more students and must rely on a degree of
independence from each one. An overprotected child who expects special
treatment at school is in for a frustrating, discouraging time.
How can a parent tell when she's offering reasonable protection and
when she's overprotecting? Two rules of thumb may help:
1. Ask yourself the worst that could happen if you don't step in.
2. Never do for your child on a regular basis what your child can
do for herself. Be on guard against the rationalization, "But
it's easier to do it myself." It may be easier and faster in
the short run, but think of the damage you do in the long run. Eventually
your child may not be able to do much of anything for himself that
presents a challenge--including school work.
Modified and adapted with permission from: Helping
Your Child Succeed in School: A Guide for Parents of 4 to 14 Year Olds,
by Popkin, Youngs, and Healy, Active Parenting Publishers, Atlanta,
Georgia, 1995. Refer to this excellent resource for more in-depth information.
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