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Avoiding the tendency to discourage our children is a major step
in the right direction.
The next step is to look for opportunities to actively encourage
them. We can use the power of encouragement in general ways to
build a bedrock of courage and self-esteem, and we can use it
in specific ways to encourage positive behavior, values, and attitudes.
Instead of focusing on mistakes---> build
on strengths
Instead of expecting too much/perfectionism---> show
acceptance
Instead of negative expectations---> show
confidence
Instead of expecting too little/overprotection---> stimulate
independence
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Build on Strengths
Our successes bolster our courage and motivate us to want to
do even better. The same is true for our children. Helping them
experience the joy of achievement and then commenting on the strengths
they called upon to make achievement happen is a wonderful way
to encourage further progress.
1. Focus your encouragement on the behavior rather than
the child.
Parents sometimes ask what's wrong with telling a child that
she's a "good girl," or otherwise praising her personality.
Children experience such praise as a double-edged sword: "I
am a 'good' girl when I do what you want; therefore, I must
be a 'bad' girl when I don't."
2. Comment on the effort, not just the results.
NO: Saying nothing until the report card arrives.
YES: Giving encouragement throughout the year: "You're
really working hard on your reading. I can hear the improvement."
3. Break large tasks into smaller steps.
NO: "Let's organize your room today."
YES: "Let's organize your closet today."
Later: "You did a great job with the closet! Doesn't
it look terrific? How about making a date to tackle the bookshelf
next?"
4. Look for past examples of strengths to encourage your
child to take the next step.
NO: "I know you can do this report."
YES: "You did a good job writing that paper on Eleanor
Roosevelt. I know this report is a little longer, but I'll
bet if you break it down into sections, you'll do a fine job."
Show Acceptance
Parents who are achievers sometimes unwittingly send the message
that they accept their children as long as they perform to
their parents' standards. Because all children have a fundamental
need to belong, to feel accepted and wanted--especially by their
parents--any suspicion that Mom's or Dad's acceptance is conditional
undermines a child's sense of security, self-confidence, and courage.
We must let our children know through our words and actions that
we love and value them for themselves, just because they are our
children. Our acceptance is free and unconditional. Sure, we want
to encourage their success, and we do not accept certain behavior
as okay, but we always accept them as unique and special human
beings who are gifts in our lives. Our language conveys that acceptanceÚ
"I really enjoy being with you."
"I can tell it's you from hearing that great laugh of
yours."
"I know you're disappointed with not making the team,
but you tried your best, and that's what's important."
"I'm glad you're my daughter."
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Show Confidence
All children can learn, even though some may take longer than
others to master a concept or a skill. Your confidence in your
child's ability to keep going when he feels frustration and defeat,
your confidence that he'll eventually succeed, your confidence
that he'll make something useful of his life--this is the encouragement
that can make the difference between success and failure.
To show confidence, you really have to believe that your child
is capable of success. If you don't believe in her, then she has
to overcome your doubts as well as her ownÚand that's an uphill
battle. Some tips:
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1. Keep your confidence in line with reality. Just as
it's silly to have confidence that you'll win the lottery, you
don't want to set up false or unrealistic expectations by showing
confidence that your child will make all As when he's
been struggling just to pass.
NO: "I know you're failing this course, but I believe
you can get an A if you really try."
YES: "I know you can pass this course if you give it
the same effort you give your rollerblading."
2. Show confidence by giving responsibility. Allowing
children to take on additional responsibilities is an excellent
way to communicate your confidence. Keep the level of responsibility
in line with their age and ability to handle it, then look for
opportunities to encourage their efforts.
"We can get a pet hamster if you'll feed it and clean
out the cage."
"I think you're old enough to help me with some of the
house chores. Would you rather start by learning how to use
the vacuum cleaner or the furniture polish?"
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3. Ask your child's opinion. This communicates that
you have confidence in her ability to think.
"You've been studying about World War II. Do you think
that was a war worth fighting?"
"Where do you think we should go on our picnic? The park
or the nature center?"
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4. Don't rescue your child from frustration. When children
have difficulty with a task that we could easily do, it's very
tempting to step in and take over. Instead, when they become
frustrated, try offering partial help and let them still take
part of the credit. If you think they can complete the task
by themselves if they keep trying, you might simply offer encouragement.
"You can do it. Keep at it."
"Come on, just a little more and you'll have it."
"Here, let me help you pull the bow through. Now you
pull it tight. Great!"
Stimulate Independence
As children learn to do more and more for themselves, they become
more confident, take on new challenges, learn more, and continue
to succeed. By stimulating our children's independence, we can
help them grow into mature, responsible adults.
"Now that we've gone over the steps in order, I think
you can do this project on your own. I'm looking forward to
seeing it when you're finished."
"From now on I'd like each of us to make his own bed
before coming down for breakfast."
More Encouragement Tips
As you look for ways to encourage each of your children, keep
in mind that what one child finds encouraging, another may find
discouraging. Observe what words or actions each of your children
best responds to. Make sure to:
- Make the encouragement immediate. The sooner your
encouragement follows the attitude or behavior you approve
of, the more powerful it is.
- Make the encouragement genuine. If you tell your child she's
doing well when she knows she isn't, your credibility isn't
worth much. Future encouragement may be doubted, even when
it's sincere.
- Make the encouragement specific. Specific positive feedback
tells your children what to keep doing in the future. This
promotes both motivation and improvement: "I like the
way you used gray in the sky. It makes the castle look more
gloomy."
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